This Class is Bonkers! (This Trilogy is Broken (A Comedy Litrpg Adventure) Book 2) Read online

  Contents

  Dedication

  Status

  Chapter One - Poison Control

  Chapter Two - These Fields Sure Are Dead

  Chapter Three - Like It or Not, the Answer Is Slime

  Chapter Four - Scouting is Hard When You Can't See

  Chapter Five - To the Grindstone

  Chapter Six - Kill, Loot, Repeat

  Chapter Seven - Last Resort

  Chapter Eight - The Defiant

  Chapter Nine - Unlock, Upgrade, Combine

  Chapter Ten - To Skin a Cat

  Chapter Eleven - Trellax

  Chapter Twelve - These Fields are Significantly Less Dead

  Chapter Thirteen - Welcome to Ilvia

  Chapter Fourteen - The Haul

  Chapter Fifteen - Disk Eye Pull

  Chapter Sixteen - Side Quest

  Chapter Seventeen - Get Your Goat

  Chapter Eighteen - Decisions, Decisions

  Chapter Nineteen - Water Damage

  Chapter Twenty - Schooner or Later

  Chapter Twenty-One - Taking in the Sights and Sounds

  Chapter Twenty-Two - A Business Transaction

  Chapter Twenty-Three - Leviathan

  Chapter Twenty-Four - To the Victor

  Chapter Twenty-Five - Pyrindel

  Chapter Twenty-Six - Emissary

  Chapter Twenty-Seven - Registration Aggravation

  Chapter Twenty-Eight - Don't Get Hit

  Chapter Twenty-Nine - Enter the Arena

  Chapter Thirty - Headaches

  Chapter Thirty-One - The Distraction

  Chapter Thirty-Two - Tiny Black Spheres of Pure Malevolent Poison

  Chapter Thirty-Three - Reenter the Arena

  Chapter Thirty-Four - Alas, Poor Roric

  Chapter Thirty-Five - Regal Advice

  Chapter Thirty-Six - Re-reenter the Arena

  Chapter Thirty-Seven - If It Wasn't Rigged Before...

  Chapter Thirty-Eight - Mirage Dancer

  Chapter Thirty-Nine - The Loser's Bracket

  Chapter Forty - Re-re-reenter the Arena

  Chapter Forty-One - Fatetorn Gaze

  Chapter Forty-Two - Re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-

  Chapter Forty-Three - I Spy

  Chapter Forty-Four - Stumble Free

  Chapter Forty-Five - Epilogue

  Status

  To my patrons, without whom none of this would’ve been possible.

  STATUS

  EVELIA GREENE

  Manaheart

  Level 38 Shatterfate Striker

  Exp: 12715/25311

  Health: 720/720

  Stamina: 0/0

  Mana: 2850/2850

  Constitution: 72

  Mana Density: 285

  Intelligence: 12

  Dexterity: 85

  Strength: 108

  Spirit: 0

  Passive Ability - Haste

  A quicker step is the difference between life and death. You run [MND/5]% faster.

  Passive Ability - Surefooted

  One slip up means death, and you’ve become familiar with high speeds and difficult terrain. Gain increased traction and stability, especially on moving objects. Circulate mana through your feet to adhere to surfaces!

  Passive Ability - Mana-hardened

  You’ve seen your fair share of battle, and your body has adapted for it. Gain increased bone density and resistance to impact injuries. +20% Explosion resistance. +20% Poison Resistance. Redirect mana within your body to reinforce particular areas.

  Passive Ability - Ethereal Metabolism

  Overcome the inefficiencies of flesh. Mana is the purest form of energy, and your body has learned to use it. Metabolize food directly into Mana. All bodily functions require Mana instead of Stamina.

  Active Ability - Charge!

  85 Mana

  Put those feet to work. Whether ducking in or out of combat, a good Striker needs to do it quickly. Triple your maximum running speed for [MND/5] seconds.

  Active Ability - Mana Rush

  X Mana/Sec

  The strength of a manaheart is determined by the energy that runs through their veins. You’ve learned to use that to your advantage. Gain [XMND/20] Strength for the duration.*

  Active Ability - Mana Burst

  300 Mana

  You don’t need to be a master spell caster to simply throw mana at the problem. Unleash a short-range blast of concentrated mana, dealing magic damage in an area in front of you.

  Active Ability - Jet

  500 Mana

  Momentum is a tool just like any other, and you’ve learned to wield it. Massively increase or decrease your personal momentum or that of an individual body part.

  CHAPTER ONE

  Poison Control

  “YOU’RE LIKE A fucking cat.” Eve laughed through the words as Wes finished his leg-shakingly intense morning stretch.

  He drew back one of his extended hands to rub the back of his neck. “You spend a night sleeping on solid rock and see how stiff you get.”

  Eve clenched her jaw in a futile effort to keep a straight face. “I’m sure Preston knows all about how stiff you got.”

  Wes gestured to the still-sleeping healer. “Well yeah, he’s on the rock t…” He trailed off, letting his head fall forward in mock despair. “Gods-damnit, Eve.”

  Eve fell back laughing at her own joke, the coarse stone of the cliffside digging into her back as her cackles echoed across the sky. In hindsight, releasing such a raucous noise into the unknown environment probably carried the risk of summoning dangerous predators, but all it managed was a cranky Preston.

  “Stapf ihd,” he murmured, haphazardly shaking a dismissive arm in what was more of a flop than a true wave. “I’m trying to sleep.”

  “Oh, no you don’t.” Wes grabbed his wrist, pulling the reluctant Caretaker to his feet. “If Eve’s gonna make uncomfortable jokes, you’re suffering through them with me.”

  The Striker stood, taking a moment to massage the sore spot in her lower back. Just because she hadn’t slept didn’t mean she’d escaped the pains of spending the night on the hard stone. “So,” she changed the subject, “get anything interesting?”

  Two pairs of eyes flashed azure in unison as the boys simultaneously remembered they’d had no normal night’s sleep.

  Eve smiled as they took to their reading, nearly as eager as they were to learn what boons their new classes had granted. She absent-mindedly flickered her own status screen open and closed, the unsightly blue flashing in and out of vision far too quickly for her to actually read anything on it.

  Eve could almost hear her mother warning her about the tick causing Mr. Potts’s seizures for the thousandth time. She sighed, putting the screen away for good. She didn’t think the flashing light would hurt her, necessarily, as much as she feared whatever else might while she distracted herself with it. The Dead Fields were supposed to be dangerous, after all.

  More out of boredom than any sense of curiosity, she Appraised her newly promoted friends while they read through their skill upgrades.

  Level 26 Caretaker of Ayla

  Rare Tier 3 Class

  Level 25 Disciple of the Devouring Flame

  Epic Tier 3 Class

  She wasn’t entirely sure what a Caretaker was, but she imagined it had something to do with the baby drake currently wrapped around Preston’s neck. Eve hoped the class would let him keep Reginald under control; a fully grown drake could someday prove a remarkable asset. Small as he was, the hatchling would
n’t be killing monsters any time soon, but he had made it to level 5 somewhere in the past days’ chaos.

  Wes’s new class worried her. Already he’d seemed on the brink of losing control, and a more powerful class could only exacerbate that. Dangerous as their adventure had been so far, finding an Epic class at tier 3 felt too easy. There had to be a price.

  The Disciple’s eerie on-topic comment broke her train of thought. “Well, the good news is Whispers of the Devouring Flame is gone.”

  “And the bad news?”

  Wes grimaced. “It’s Teachings of the Devouring Flame now.”

  Eve cocked an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

  “Hells if I know. The description just says ‘know them.’”

  Preston exhaled sharply. “Useful as ever.”

  “It sounds like the same skill just rephrased,” Eve reasoned. “Maybe it’s stronger?”

  Wes nodded. “That’d be my guess.”

  “Well, just—um…” Preston said, “try not to go insane on us.”

  The mage opened his mouth to reply, but Eve beat him to it. “To clarify, he means don’t go any more insane than you already are.”

  “Right, of course,” Wes replied. “I’ll just… maintain the level of insanity that led me to go adventuring with you.”

  “Perfect.” Eve grinned. “So other than ‘marginally scarier vague wording,’ what upgrades did you get?”

  “Oh, this and that,” he answered. “More fire, hotter fire, fierier fire, you know, the works.”

  Eve tilted her head down and her eyes up to look at him with disdain. “Fierier fire?”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.” Wes gave in rather easily. “I have finer control of Flame Jet, natural fires restore my health too, and Burning Hand now works anywhere on my body.”

  “So it’s called Burning Body now?” Eve asked.

  “Well, no. It’s actua—”

  “Burning Everything?” she interrupted. “Ouch, My Entire Skin Is On Fire?”

  Wes sighed. “Cloak of Flame. It’s called Cloak of Flame.”

  “Well that’s boring. What is that, six of your abilities that have ‘flame’ in the name?”

  “Seven,” Wes admitted, “but to be fair, three of those are from the class name.”

  Eve laughed. “You’d think the devouring flame would be more creative. There’s a bunch of words for fire out there.”

  Wes shrugged, turning to the former Priestess. “Preston, just how many times does the name ‘Ayla’ show up in your skill names?”

  No response came.

  Eve looked towards the blond healer to find his eyes glazed over and his mouth subtly twitching. “Preston?”

  Wes placed a hand on his shoulder. “You there?”

  “Oh! I—sorry.” Preston shook his head, returning the focus to his eyes. “I was just… talking with Reginald.”

  Eve blinked. “You were… what?”

  Wes swallowed. “I thought I was the one who was supposed to go insane.”

  “No, no, it’s my newest skill. Caretakers are basically animal healers, so I can spend Mana to talk to beasts. Look.” He smiled, lifting a hand from where it had rested on the drakeling's head. “Go lick Wes’s face.”

  Reginald didn’t budge.

  Wes snorted. Eve outright laughed.

  Preston scrunched up his face in a remarkable combination of embarrassment and frustration. “Okay, just because I can talk to him doesn’t mean he’ll listen, but I swear it’s—”

  Eve held up her hands. “It’s alright. We believe you.”

  “You should’ve seen your face, though,” Wes added. “Looked like you could’ve jumped straight from licking to ‘Reginald, go bite Wes’s face off.’”

  Preston glared.

  Eve clapped her hands to refocus the conversation. “So, talking to animals isn’t exactly the burst of combat power I was hoping for, but it’s something. Maybe you can talk us out of becoming some monster’s dinner.”

  “Speaking of,” Wes said, “I’m bloody hungry. Promoting to an Epic class really works up an appetite.”

  Eve rolled her eyes at his casual reminder that his class was rarer than hers before actually replying to his statement. “Careful how much you eat. Gods know how long it’ll take to find civilization again, and I get the impression there won’t be much to forage down there.”

  “Which gets me to my next point.” Wes dug through his pack for some of his travel rations as he spoke. “What’s our plan for getting home safely?”

  Eve pointed at the narrow steps carved into the mountainside. “Unless you want to dig our way back through the collapsed dungeon, I only see one way forward. Down.”

  Wes shrugged, speaking through a mouth full of hardtack. “Works for me.”

  “I guess… um…” Eve stared down into the sickly haze that clouded the way ahead. “I guess I’ll go first.” A silent chorus of nods replied at the fresh reminder of their missing tank.

  Eve grit her teeth as she took the first step. It was just fog, right? Intimidating as it felt to step into an unknown world obscured in mist, it wasn’t as if the clouds themselves could hurt her.

  You have ingested an unknown poison!

  Eve leapt back to the stone landing with enough vigor to elicit a noticeably effeminate scream from Wes. She landed on her ass.

  “Fog’s poisoned.” She panted.

  “It’s what?” Preston gaped. “Shit. Do you need healing?”

  Eve paused, collecting her thoughts long enough to notice she felt no pain. In fact, other than her pounding heart, everything seemed normal. She exhaled.

  “I… don’t know. My notification was… weirdly excited about it? Hold on.” She pulled up her status screen.

  Evelia Greene

  Manaheart

  Level 38 Shatterfate Striker

  Exp: 12715/25311

  Health: 714/720

  Stamina: 0/0

  Mana: 1921/2850

  Constitution: 72

  Mana Density: 285

  Intelligence: 12

  Dexterity: 85

  Strength: 108

  Spirit: 0

  Other than the marginal damage from spending the night in a less than ergonomic position and just now landing hard on the sheer stone, her health was untouched. She watched the screen as it ticked down a single point.

  “I… think I’m fine. I guess I didn’t inhale enough to really hurt me…” Eve trailed off as her gaze turned to her mana pool. It plummeted.

  1702/2850

  “Shit,” she cursed. “Something’s happening.”

  1587/2850

  Preston raised a hand, a healing spell already prepared. “What’s wrong?”

  1350/2850

  Eve leapt to her feet. “My Mana’s draining.”

  1218/2850

  She snatched the second half of Wes’s breakfast from his grasp, shoveling the dense and dry biscuit into her mouth.

  996/2850

  “Hey, that’s mine,” the mage protested.

  873/2850

  She swallowed.

  Eve held her breath. Her Mana continued to fall. She swore. She should’ve known it took time to digest food, magical race or otherwise. Still her reserves shrank. She tried not to think about what might happen should it hit zero.

  “Eve,” Preston spoke up, “what’s going on? Where is your Mana going?”

  “I don’t know,” she snapped. “It must be some kind of Mana drain poison or—”

  A message appeared.

  Compound broken down! Metabolizing into Mana…

  “Ayla’s tits,” she cursed a third time. “Manaheart is the best race ever.”

  Wes held up his hands. “Hey there, let’s not discriminate. All sentient races are worthy of our respect.” He shuddered. “Except gnomes.”

  Preston gave the mage his best ‘now’s not the time’ glare before turning to check on Eve. “Is everything okay?”

  “I just… metabolized the poison. My
body’s turning it to Mana as we speak.”

  The healer furrowed his brow. “So that giant loss was what, it figuring out how to do that?”

  “Or keeping me alive while it did,” Eve said.

  Wes counted on his fingers. “You barely need to sleep, you come with a built-in torch, and now you can just eat poison at will? Damn, I need to find myself some of that mystery serum.”

  Eve pushed herself to her feet, dusting herself off as she did. “Maybe? Could be whatever’s in these clouds is pretty weak and I’d run out of Mana before breaking down anything more potent.”

  “Still,” Preston said, “in controlled circumstances, you could potentially immunize yourself to a whole range of different poisons. That’s gotta be worth something.”

  Eve scratched her chin. “I did already have poison resistance too. Maybe this is a part of it?”

  Wes stepped in, “Either way, we certainly don’t have poison resistance.”

  Preston nodded. “I could probably heal us through whatever damage it deals for a while, but I only have so much Mana. If we don’t manage to find a safe place down there, we’d have to come back up here until I recharge.”

  “Maybe the clouds don’t reach the ground,” Eve offered. “Could be we just have to get through them and we’ll be in the clear.”

  The healer moved right past her ‘in the clear’ pun with an argument of his own. “It’s the Dead Fields, not the ‘Normal Fields with a Dead Sky.’”

  Eve shrugged. “It wouldn’t hurt to take a look. I can just head down alone to check if the haze stops before—”

  “Or,” Wes interrupted, “we could use fire.”

  Eve exhaled. “Everything’s a candle to a man with a lighter, huh?”

  “Hear me out,” Wes said. “One of my passives lets me burn anything, so why can’t I just burn the poison clouds?”

  Preston grimaced. “I—um—I see where you’re coming from, but I’m not sure I like the idea of just… burning it all.”